Wishing you a merry, er, everything...

Xmas is a time of mixed emotions. Most years, my cynicism is initially raised in early November by the sight of red, white and green decorations and the sound of xmas tunes played inside all the shops. It often starts that way, with my gut telling me that the once again, hungry money-makers are trying to get me into the spirit too damned early. (Canadian retailers have nothing in November to tide them over, since our Thanksgiving happens in October, not November. Thus, they want the Xmas sales frenzy to start just a little bit earlier than south of the border.)

By now, about a week into December, personal things start to seep into my brain, like the happiness of past christmases with family and friends. With these memories and expectations in mind, a personal xmas response starts to stick to my brain like a new, wet snowfall: the warm, selfish enjoyment of fatty foods like egg nog and mincemeat tarts, the anticipation of sharing food, laughter and gifts with friends and family, and the morose internal pledge to avoid depressing thoughts and let past personal holiday letdowns (or in some cases, disasters) rest on the sidelines for a little while.

Finally, for me as the next week or two bring me closer to X-Day, there's the surrender to the reality of shopping. Every year I dread the start of Xmas shopping in crowded malls. And yet, every year I end up enjoying the sense of accomplishment and in imagining the happy reactions of my recipients. "This is just perfect for her! He'll totally love that!"

It's the same way with cards and seasonal emails and letters: the list of recipients looks long, but during the act of giving each little letter, card or email, it becomes effortless, warm, real, fun, constructive and happy.

I think it happens when your head is focused on others' happiness and gratification, instead of your own.

I'm not a Christian, although that religion and it's words and songs are uncontrollably steeped in my culture. As kids, when my sister Kim and I had sort of stopped believing in Santa, my Dad tried to inflect the season with his own version of secular Christmas spirituality, telling us that Santa Claus was the "spirit of Christmas". Dad didn't go much deeper than that, but I have since decided for myself what that "spirit" means: mostly, the ideas of giving, sharing and creating happiness.

No single belief system has the last word on compassion or morality, but with or without an organized religion or philosophy, we can all make a moment or give some money or some comfort to someone who needs it. It's got to be personal, have personal meaning or resonance, or else it's just a hollow habit that won't mean anything at all. Look outside yourself and your own needs and rehumanize yourself.

And so friends, in that spirit, regardless of who you are or what you believe, take your own moment to reflect on your good fortune and then do something nice to improve the fortune of someone else.

Speak low, darling, speak low

A quiet moment sitting in Starbucks
listening to Billie Holiday sing "Speak Low" by Kurt Weill.

Finally, a moment of time together -
Time to contemplate things and time to keep
each other company while we work on individual tasks.

Separate thought processes, but bodies and hearts still together.

Speak low when you speak, love
Our summer day withers away too soon, too soon
Speak low when you speak, love
Our moment is swift, like ships adrift, we're swept apart, too soon
Speak low, darling, speak low
Love is a spark, lost in the dark too soon, too soon
I feel wherever I go that tomorrow is near, tomorrow is here and always too soon
Time is so old and love so brief
Love is pure gold and time a thief
We're late, darling, we're late
The curtain descends, ev'rything ends too soon, too soon
I wait, darling, I wait
Will you speak low to me, speak love to me and soon

Radio-Canada reports on Bagnell Taser case...

On the October 17, 2006 edition of "The National", CBC aired a very good report on the Robert Bagnell taser case. Produced by Radio-Canada, it was well-rounded and touched on many of the social, legal and ethical aspects.

It began with a brief portrait of Bob and the effect of his loss on his family, delivered by his sister, Patti Gillman. Patti told how she and her Mother had learned about Bob's death, and how the fact that a taser was involved as not released by the Vancouver Police Department until 30 days later. The VPD's position was that the Taser gun did not play a role Bob's death, and this remains their position today.

Taser Int'l has conducted many scientific reports into the safety of their products, branding them as "non-lethal weapons", classified as such by the U.S. Department of Defense. The non-lethal aspect of the Taser is strongly promoted by the company, who consider its use to be reducing deaths and saving lives. Apparently, many of the studies commissioned by Taser were done by companies paid by Taser, or using data provided by Taser.

John Webster, of the University of Wisconsin, told the reporter that he believed that Tasers could deliver lethal results, if the victim has low body fat and is shocked close to the heart. An independent research team at the University of Toronto showed that the consumption of cocaine or a very high level of fear, combined with an electric discharge, could also cause cardiac arrhythmias.

The Radio-Canada report followed with a tour of the taser facility, focusing on Mr. Steve Tuttle, Vice President of Taser International. Taser's high-tech facility was emphasized as we saw the V.P. pull a taser gun out of his holster and shoot a test target numerous times. You could easily regard this sequence at Taser International as a genuine, straight-forward and factual description of the products and business of this Arizona-based company. But using "Mission Impossible" music in the background and referring to the company's headquarters as looking like "something out of a James Bond movie" might hint at a dark sense of humour on the part of Radio Canada reporter, as if someone were trying to point out that the glorification of technology should be viewed with a little suspicion.

Understandably, Taser wants to cultivate an image of corporate success and of product reliability. Being named in lawsuits and dealing with past reports about the potential lethality of Taser products has certainly had a negative effect on the company's image and stock price.

Even with his rocket-powered backpack and gadget-laden cars, James Bond sometimes still had to get his hands dirty in his job (read an early James Bond novel like Casino Royale for example). But realistic or not, that angle wouldn't sell very many Walter PPKs now would it?

Link to the Radio-Canada companion article (en Français)

In English, translated mechanically by Babelfish.altavista.com

Bagnell Family Sues Vancouver Police and Taser Int'l over Death

Taser Controversy Refuses to Die (BBC)

Last greetings on the streets...

Walking up Beatty street towards SkyTrain, the sun was out, but it was still raining a little - you know that weird combination of sunlight and rain. I saw a nice bright rainbow coming up over the downtown East side, and it made me feel good, like that kind of magic, happy feeling I'd felt seeing a rainbow as a kid.

At Stadium Station, I saw Curtis James, a guy I've known on the street for a few years, and who lost almost all his toes to frostbite last winter. I recently switched jobs, which meant that I wouldn't be working downtown anymore. I told Curtis that I would soon be leaving the area, and that I probably wouldn't see him again.

He said "I dunno. I get around town, you know" and smiled.

"Well, it's out in Burnaby, so I dunno..."

"Well, maybe you'll help one of my brothers then. You're doing God's work, my friend. You really are."

"Thank you. Enjoy the rainbow" I said to him, feeling grateful for such a gracious personal remark. After the past few years, it had only been pocket change, but the weekly chit chats and little conversations about hope and the kindness of strangers had added up to something too.

"There's two of 'em."

"What?" Damned if Curtis wasn't right. There was a second rainbow, right next to the first one. I was really glad that he could notice something nice like that.

Coffee with Riki and Patti, Part 1

I had the great joy to meet some of Bob Bagnell's family in person for the first time yesterday.

Bob's sister Patti and his Mum Riki are in Vancouver to attend the Coroner's Inquest into Bob's death. We met at a Starbucks near the office tower where the Coroner's Court is located.

Knowing Bob briefly (but significantly to me) as I did, and having advocated for him in personal and social terms, I've grown to identify with these two ladies, and feel immense sympathy for their loss. I have also felt frustration at the delays and complications that have been imposed upon them while they look for answers and more information.

To me, they've expressed their gratitude for my attempts to promote a sympathetic and human image of their dear "Bobby". In simple terms, through our email exchanges and few phone calls, we've extended our hearts and minds to each other, with Bob as the glue. I suspect Bob might like that very much.

I think we fairly glowed at each other, meeting in person for the first time. They are both such lovely ladies; living reflections of a part of Bob that I had caught glimpses of here and there: humour, sincerity and a plain-spoken heartfulness. Bob has a warm and loving family, and they are still fighting for him today.

We swapped stories for about an hour and a half, many about Bob and how he was as a young kid, and how he decided to go his own way in life and explore his own road.

We talked about their son's love of art and drawing, and of his inner imagery, sometimes dark, sometimes colourful, and always passionately his own way.

We talked about Bob's struggle with addictions, and the people he'd come to know at the Dr. Peter Centre, where he was days away from having his paintings put up in an art exhibition. We talked about the people and programs at the Broadway Church, where Bob had found emotional and spiritual support as he tried to bolster himself and set his life back on the rails.

Riki said that her son Bobby had become "the poster child" for the whole Taser issue. Riki and Patti also could not say enough in praise of their lawyer Cameron Ward, referring to him as "a Wizard". He is obviously a tireless champion of their cause.

The following was reposted (without permission) from the web site of Cameron Ward, solicitor for the Bagnell family in this matter:

Bagnell Inquest adjourned amid controversy
September 14, 2006

Coroner Stephen Fonseca today adjourned the coroner's inquest into the death of Robert Bagnell and ordered a ban on publication or distribution of a letter dated September 14, 2005 from Victoria Chief Constable Paul Battershill to B.C. Police Complaint Commissioner Dirk Ryneveld and Vancouver Chief Constable Jamie Graham.

Yesterday, the coroner's jury heard that the two Tasers used on Bagnell were tested by Intertek ETL Semko and that one of them generated 30.42 joules/pulse of energy in conditions designed to simulate contact with human skin. This is 84.5 times greater than the manufacturer's specification of 0.36 joules/pulse. The author of the report was scheduled to testify today.

Robert Bagnell died June 23, 2004. On July 25, 2004, VPD Detective Faora advised his mother that he died of a drug overdose. On July 23, 2004, after the body had been cremated and the ashes delivered to the family, the VPD issued a media release advising the public of the death and stating that Bagnell had been "Tasered" and had died in police custody. On August 16, 2004, VPD Deputy Chief LePard issued a follow-up media release stating that the Taser was used to rescue Bagnell from a fire in the building.

Tasers are a controversial electrical weapon linked to the deaths of at least 215 people in Canada and the U.S.
Bagnell inquest continues
September 7, 2006

The five man jury at the coroner's inquest into the death of Robert Bagnell has heard that VPD homicide investigators did not interview any of the 12 VPD members who were at the scene when Bagnell died. Instead, after "decompressing", the police officers submitted brief written accounts later. The four ERT members who were in physical contact with Bagnell when he stopped breathing delivered their statements to investigators on July 9, 2004, seventeen days after the incident.

The deceased's mother Riki Bagnell testified that she learned Tasers had been used on her son about a month after his death, from TV news accounts. She said she asked the investigator why the police didn't just leave her son alone to calm down and his response was "That's a good question, Mrs. Bagnell". A few weeks later the VPD held a news conference to explain they Tasered Bagnell to rescue him from a fire in the building.

The VPD media accounts of the death are archived at www.vancouver.ca.

The Province of British Columbia allows police departments to investigate their own members in cases of serious injury and death despite recommendations of a coroner's jury in January 2004 that such investigations be done independently.

---

It's too easy for people to hear phrases like "drug user" or "cocaine" and place a human being into a negative or dehumanizing frame of reference. There are lots of people like Bob Bagnell in the downtown/Yaletown area, and I have had the pleasure to meet and know some of them a little bit during my daily commutes. They all seem to be struggling with something or other, but without enjoying the same tools and resources that many of the rest of us consider essential.

People are complex and contradictory, and cannot be reduced to a sound bite. I knew Bob Bagnell on and off for about a year or so, and saw a slightly messed up guy who was also an artist. He was struggling with his own problems, yet had a friendly nature and a sense of humour about life. He lived downtown, yet was one of the people in my residential East Van neighbourhood.

I saw the evidence of Bob trying to pull himself up into a clean, drug-free, more spiritual way of living. He was still HIV positive and apparently had some form of cancer. He had a lot of strikes against him, but with the help of people and various agencies or programs that cared about him, he'd gotten free of heroin and then methadone, and had begun seeking counselling and spiritual support. He had been actively involved in putting himself on a better, more hopeful path. If you or anyone you've known has struggled with an addiction, drugs, alcohol, or even tobacco, you must know that it can be difficult to stay clean. It can be a daily challenge. I'm certain Bob fought with that same thing, and that it was not easy for him. He was on the right path, except for his final fall from grace and his tragic, violent end.

Read more about Robert Wayne Bagnell here if you are curious: http://robertbagnell.ejohnlove.com

Dalai Lama: Dialogues in Vancouver, September 2006

World peace must develop out of inner peace.
- Dalai Lama

On Saturday September 9 2006, His Holiness the Dalai Lama of Tibet spoke to 12,000 people at GM Place in Vancouver, BC. The title of his talk was "Cultivating Happiness.
The Dalai Lama is the only person for whom I would personally use the word "role model" - someone whose words, examples and actions have inspired me on a personal level.

My wife and I were seated in the top-most row of the upper level of the stadium - right up in the "nose bleeds", but the large-screen monitors made it very easy to see everything happening down below. The event began with performances by a Vancouver-based Tibetan Children's Choir, a group of kids ranging in age from 5 to 14, who had learned traditional Tibetan songs, dance and musical instruments. For me, the highlight of this performance was the duet of a 5 year old boy singing, accompanied by a 10 year old boy playing an eight-stringed instrument that looked like a bass guitar. At one point, the older boy played a kind of guitar solo, plucking his strings for all he was worth. His obvious joy and proud, almost swaggering body language showed on the big screen for all to see, and the crowd roared and applauded his performance with the loudest cheers of the event.

Next, Emcee Kevin Newman announced Vancouver's Mayor, a federal minister and His Holiness. He was then told that they were delayed. After telling some stories and joking with the patient crowd of 12,000, there was a few minutes' pause while the organizers deliberated on bringing out the Tibetan children's choir again.

Then, quietly from the other side of the stadium, we all heard the murmur of a familiar song. It got louder and more definite, and swept around to my wife and me like a gentle wave. The entire audience in GM Place had begun gently singing the Canadian national anthem. It was a lovely and moving moment of spontaneity.

Not long after, everyone finally arrived on stage. Author and organizer, Victor Chan, a long-time friend of the Dalai Lama and a Director of the Vancouver-based Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education, spoke of the way his life was personally transformed by meeting the Tibet leader 30 years ago. Mr. Chan wrote an excellent book entitled The Wisdom of Forgiveness.

Vancouver Mayor Sam Sullivan spoke warmly of his private meeting with the Dalai Lama, and of the singular honour bestowed upon our city to be the first and only one to have an education centre named after the Tibetan leader. The Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education is due to open in Vancouver in 2009.

While he personally might be genuine in his respect and admiration for the Tibetan leader, I believe that Mayor Sam Sullivan's office also has a vested interest in cultivating stronger trading and tourism relations with China. The Vancouver Mayor's office has been criticized publicly for asking Falun Gong members to remove a makeshift shelter and protest signs from in front of the Chinese Consulate. The speculation was that this was an attempt to appease Chinese government officials. It must be a real challenge for a politician to balance trade, politics and ethics where China is concerned.

Federal Immigration Minister Monte Solberg took the stage, and told us that the Canadian Parliament has unanimously voted to sign a motion granting His Holiness with honourary Canadian citizenship, and that this honour had only been granted two times previously in our history. Kevin Newman the Emcee, joked that any Canadian would attest to how difficult it is to get members of our Parliament to agree about anything.

At the federal level, China and Canada have long had differences over Tibet. Recently, China has made slightly threatening remarks in response to the Harper government's unanimous decision to grant honourary citizenship to the Dalai Lama.

The presentation at GM Place, and indeed the tone of the Dalai Lama's entire visit, was very non-political and not limited to one particular culture or nationality. Nobody mentioned the ongoing Tibetan crisis, or the new Chinese railway which will help move tourists and Chinese citizens into Tibet faster than ever before. The rail cars were built by Montreal-based Bombardier.

The Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader of millions of Tibetans, a recipient of the nobel peace prize and and an internationally recognized promoter of peace and non-violence. By his own admission, he is a simple Buddhist monk. He spoke in general terms about achieving peace of mind by exercising compassion and kindness in daily life. Praying for peace is a nice idea but achieves nothing without concrete action, he stressed. Referring to Muslim Terrorists, he reminded us that the actions of a minority of "mischievous" people claiming to act in the name of a religion should not spoil the image of that religion for everyone else. He also said that since 9/11, he has become the unofficial spokesman for persecuted and victimized Muslims everywhere.

On this trip, his primary mission seems to have been to open dialogue with citizens about the benefits of peace, love and compassion and to raise awareness for the new centre which will bear his name. Vancouver was chosen because of it's combination of Eastern and Western influences; a multicultural makeup, which includes Chinese and Tibetan. So we may hope this will be the right place to open educational dialogues and learn to live together and work for peace.

The Dalai Lama's 2006 visit to Vancouver, BC.

Dalai Lama to build education centre

Dalai Lama Centre for Peace and Education

The return of John and his little PC...

After what seemed like an eternity (2 or 3 weeks), my pc is finally back to normal, or better.

While I do work with computers every day, I don't care much for the "bleeding edge" of the technology. I tend to keep using computers long past their expiry date, long after they have acquired that stale aura - the aura that PC gamers and Best Buy salespeople recognize as the sour stench of the undead pc.

Soon after I upgraded from my old Tungsten W to a new Treo 650, I discovered that the Treo's desktop software would not run under Windows 98 (yes, I was also clinging tenaciously to that outdated operating system, reluctant to change or rebuild the system which have served me well since September of 2000, when I bought it at London Drugs in Kerrisdale. Basically, I don't do the whole change thing often or very well).

So, in order to use my Treo and other USB stuff like my MP3 player with my PC, I had to bite the bullet and upgrade to Windows 2000. Of course, this isn't a real big deal except that I hadn't done it before, and didn't want to be kept away from my various online obsessions for very long. There never seems to be enough time in the evenings to do "maintenance" on my beloved old tool (or my PC), but after backing up everything I could think of to CD, and with the help and advice of more knowledgeable friends (thanks Victor - www.lccsonline.com), the deed was finally done.

Now, my beloved Treo (nicknamed "The Precious") can talk to my somewhat senior-citizen computer, which has now received a new face and a new lease on life. My hands feel like they are finally untied. Is that weird? One normally doesn't need a hand to gaze lovingly into their own navel. :)

Related Past Posts:
http://ejohnlove.blogspot.com/2004/05/ah-sweet-smell-of-success-or-my-pc-is.html
http://ejohnlove.blogspot.com/2004/03/woman-removes-windowstm-finds-herself.html

White Whiskers - a sad old man?

After a few days without a shave, I can see white whiskers sparkling on my cheeks. Truth be known, at 45, I'm grey as an old man. My temples are pure white, Reed Richards style, and I'm more salt than pepper across the top of my head too. My chest hair is going white. WTF. When I was a kid, I felt more mature than my years, felt more mature than my friends, and longed for the day when I could be my own independent person, and have my own life.

I get my hair coloured by a pro every month of so, and the only painting I do anymore is to apply "Just for Men" to my beard. Only my hairdresser (bless her) knows for sure.

It's funny how white whiskers on my own face kind of spook me. I just want to scrape them off. It's been a couple of days since I last shaved, and much longer since I dyed my hair or beard.

The white hairs make me think of my Dad. All my life he'd been silver-haired. I remember being a little boy, and getting "whisker burns" from him when I'd kiss him goodnight. I'd lean in to kiss him on the cheek, and he'd suddenly, sneakily scrub his rough face into mine and say "whisker burn", and we'd both laugh.

At other times, his unshaven white whiskers would signal that the weekend had come, or some other time when his appearance didn't matter to him so much, or if he'd been drinking or just didn't give a damn.

Sometimes those white whiskers were a hint that he wasn't at his best, that perhaps I should be careful or cautious around him - that maybe he'd be angry, drunk, or lose his temper or maybe he'd be feeling sad or regretful. It usually made me a bit uneasy whenever he'd let himself go in little ways like that. Now I understand that it can't be easy to carry an emotional burden or an addiction with nobody your own age to unload on.

Grey and white are the colours of old age, and reminders of the finiteness of life, and of my genetic heritage (my Mum went grey early in life as well). For each of us, the clock is ticking.

I'm not overly obsessed with my looks or appearance, and I don't have a ginormous ego or anything, but I will adjust my image, and try to keep some aspects of my persona - little secrets - under my control. Then, when I'm ready to look like an old man, like my old man, I will let it happen...